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There In the nrellgm “'e Could See in
‘ Fl]!-Islander Dancing About. V
.‘URELIUS' AMMANCROW> tilted
" his chair backward and planted
his feet. on the hotel balustrade.
“Lhear the proud sirens of agricul-
'tul'e are going to re: a lucrative har-
vest of wheat in this section of Indiana,"
said I. V .
I was sorting labels of “Dr. Espicurlus
Epic i n'1’s l-lair Restorer‘ and
"Madam Melbray's Marvelous Balm of
Beauty” while Aurelius picked his
‘teeth with a goose quill. . .
“Your ears,’.’ remarked Aurelius, "are
registering fact, plus hearsay and truth,
Have I, by any chance, ever enlightened
- you as to how me and Philander Pod
shook down the-butternut masticators
of lows and made the Lone Star blush
to the roots or her roseate reputation?
It was ten years ago, and the stage set
for a scenic eifect of the llawkeye State.
' " o d me was selling bunion plas-
ters, beauty balm and patent rightsto
e be and she popuiationvoi’ the town
of Prairie Pride. Business was mellow,
ii’ not<rutten.' The corn
soured on homeopath pills, powders and
paste and focused the boiled opticupon
conscienceless chariatau who sold shav-
ing paste that removed hair plus hide. .
"This Shylock had secured -a few
beauty andhsndsomcness beside V
"The populace, resembling n turn-out
of Kentucky night riders. rods Shyiock
out of town on B. fence rail, his person
adorned with s..thicIt resinous substance
obtained from pine and trees and
decorated with the plumage of the barn-
yard fowl. v x -,-- -l ; "
"Deposited without recourse in a sand
f.his hatred Dres-
ence. which hevdid without argument or
e Pride, as a. sample. has no
better or worse than other towns or its
size. It had. I judged. about 1,000 in-
habitants of people. the largest per cent
being made up or men. women and chil-
dren. at law of whom were human beings.
The lid was on with u gasket underneath.
school, prayer meeting and song service.
taken after each meal at bedtime Ind
upon arising. - v ’ I '
."W'c gave Prairie Pride the‘ once over
and walked back to the hotel to thaw
out. I. was summertime ind hot. but
from the reception accorded us I ilgured
Professor Amundsen was looitin' in the
wrong location tor the North Pole. We
invoiced Pod had t dollars and ten
cents and I dug up a hat silver certifi-
cate good on call at the U. 8. Treasury
for one dollar. - ‘z
"'lt looks,‘ says Pod, ‘like such little
items as Neapolitan ice cream, pcrfectos,
claret. and chocolate eclalrs would be
absent from the dinner card this evening.
Can you suggest alternates? ‘ -'
r "My sell-storter of suggestivenessf
Rays 1. "is short-circultcd in the distribu-
tor box.
ri ening corn.
Era now. I doubt it not. the festive fowl
repose: peacetully on the roost. Steam-
‘:,.w..!,l., ,
CHICAGO
L 1?.s.K;Ti?s:e:oie9afei.i;iie.
E Qhstsiaiian
. (i.'L.D1'e‘aIjing
ing roasting ears and roast.ch.lcken are
not bad entrees, served in la carte. with-
cornet band and I feel perfectly at home
with 3 drurnstick in either hand.’
' 6 sauntered down the main stem
‘and. by the time we hits the. edge the
town was dark.
“When it comerto conning the night
bird from its houdoir,' says Pod, '1 have
I Maxim silencer in. either hand.‘ -
"‘In which case You're elected,’ says
I. ‘an’ th’ lot or corn rails to me.’ n a
lot of it did. I reckon we both lived up
to our boasted attainments, tho I hate
, to brag. . >
5‘ N HOUR later we was safe as the
babes in the tall: woods, with 2. ket-
tle of roastin‘ ears dancin' a Jig over the
tire and 2. big fat hen roastin' on green
wood sticks.- ‘
‘All of a sudden out of the bushes
back of us dcurdling screceh that
sounds like 3 cross between. 3 calliope
and the war cry of a Comanche Indian
bursts forth and Pod an’ me goes in to
clean up the world’: record for the
, hundred yard’ dash. We looked back.
There in the tlrelight we could see :-
Flji Islander prahcin’ about in Joyous
manifestations of delight with a roastin'
car in one hsndhnd ‘the northeast cor-
ner of roast chicken in the other, and
' ons s-tryin' to beat the [other to
the subway entrance of certain destruc-
tion. .Pod. takes a. hitch in his trowsers
and says:
“‘Com on, Caw. No son of a sea
cook dressed up in nakedness and mor-
murin' like I volcano inside can butt
into >the game and grab my stack or
chips. I'm going to make him show his
an .
“We ambies back to the scene ot the
midnight frolic and Pod addresses abrupt
remarks to the human ogre: .
at’: tho big idea.’ says ’he. ‘of
hornil-l’ into our tea party without pre-
uentln' your callin' on
but A mouthful of truck makes a mum-
ble of it.
"Speak up.’ says I. ‘you imp of Me-
phisto. or place your order with the un-
dertaker and send for the cut flowers.
our sense or social obligation and ethics
een violated mslgre nous.’ '
(munch) utter strangers for days.‘ ‘
" ‘For strangers.’ says Pod, ‘you min-
gle well. ivhy the masquerade in the
cannibal costume and the hide out in the
and uncut pines?‘ -
‘fFlii casts away a. cob and draws fresh
-provender from the kettle. .
,“‘You invite meditation from its lux-
urious couch and history from the ar-
chives of a bitter nest. . Now that you
have invited me to join you in this feast
fit for the gods (munch) fall to, boys.
I would not feast alone.‘ .
"You seem to be doin‘ pretty well tor
a monologue party.’ says Pod. ‘but your
suggestion is not without merit. Eat
we will, not wisely, but in sell-delensc.
Come on, Caw, 2 this human too
destroyer cleans the bosrds.- 'l'here'sJust
about two ears of corn left. and Holy
rimbo! About all there inlet! to that
chicken is its altrustlc disposition.
Those drumsticks have hest,their last
yon. In Heaven's name, you
t Dahomey. what did you leave besides
the country?” -
"We took the remnants of the chick-
en's constitution and by-laws and sat
. down. Fiji Joined us. .
"‘Now, says Pod. 'expurge. unburden
and come clean-l mean as clean as you
can, seein‘ us how you didn't come extra
clean. My academic soul yearns for reci-
ration.‘
"W , he was the shaving cream veri-
dor all right. Pod Ind l ilgured that the
minute we sets eyes on him. Society
had somewhat misused him. lie sile-
tencd like A new hunt! in the hrelight.
s d smelled like the root of 3 ion!-
story skyscraper. .
"We tried to get the tar oil with s
pockctkniie, but it stuck to him tighter
than the Solid South to a Democratic
candidate. llls howls would have drowned
the murmur of N SP3. We laid off,
finally. and thought up all tho means
known to homeopathy and medicine.
3., .:.c-
. . .4 -
...---...-..-.. ...........;.....,.....,......4
o
- ' o'Vl' r...
&nlrHV' w
Lsnqsn ,n
it no‘ use." groans Fiji. ' I
I The Busiest Cornerin iheworid
."l couldnfil tell: whether the groan-‘
comes from his Dent-upland. lniured tedl- ;
itmrr or the‘ load‘ all gnrbuglr he was on . ,.‘4,,,.:” 1 r .r e-(‘:;r'1
We own and . '
ucuvy ' cl-
lira I 1 user
Ind
the outside of. Pot! thumbs‘ hit lips end
pucker-s his brow in. painful meditation.
"5 y,’ e says after an momsnL“'you
mizht connect with ‘Uncle Tom's Cabin‘
opsy or ose in lront at a cigar
s ore sdvertisin' licorice chewin' gum.
lo0okin' back over the future you have
a delightful an‘ pleasin' past to draw
ram.‘
an
“M
"‘Oh!' groans Shylock. the Fiji, ‘What’ll
I do, boys, what'll I do?’
‘"1’ mean,’ says Pod, ‘who will you
do. It’s gonna take a. sandpaper ractory
to bring you down to normal delin-
quency. You ought-a been satistied with
skinnin’ the public out of their pin money
instead or their skin.’
" ' answers Shy, indignant. ‘I
used muristic instead of boric acid by
mistake. that was all. A slight tech-
nical: error you: must a Inn.’
8: mere‘ trliie.' says Pod. ‘I have
my dear man-. The -,slwnys blow up
over sucln triilcs as acetylene was plants
end gasoline stoves. Be that as in may.
the treatment accorded your person was
to say the least, slightly. exaggerated.‘
. "Shyloclt would-s. been mighty glad to
exchange the pound or nesh. he got from
the citizens at Prairie Pride‘ for the live
quarts of tar and; trimmin‘s. but in the
law of barter and trade he had. been
worsted. He‘ said. it made him feel bad
to‘ be treated like a. leaky root when the
ide at him. was‘ full: of good intentions
toward: the sguided civilians. The
more he thought about it. the more elo-
.qucnt he become Then he begins to get
mad and to cuss. . ‘
yie.wc roads
the low pncund
wh n have
. , n
9-HE SURE:newhuil the word phrases, ‘mg. swld 0,”, griog 0, “M ,5" Wm.,,,,
pan: hrvor Is
. and em cilis mcnts of the profane an ‘gr ,0“. si;:'r;=-:'.;-"““‘hD‘E‘
section He began with the city council ,,,,L,,,.,,,..,,,..,..,.,..,c.L,...,. 1 98
and the mayor, sideswiped the school nouns: 5' mm: In: - - S -
board and maligned the town rnarshul. E9‘-‘"3
He seared and searched the townspeople.
""
"Hrs gentle stream or abuse widened
into a roaring torrent of epitheticnl fury
and in order to round out his oration he
Trusts and charged
madly upon tbs Carnegie pension fund
for college professors. ' r ' '
"VVe>ieit him oratins Vith his hands
and feet to the stars and went to sleep.
"'1 wnl into Prairie Pride in the
morning and sells two members or the '
antiquated old maid‘: society A couple at
bottles or face restorer made of corn.
starch nnd biushln' with cherry coloring.
gave me two dollars nnd their
coniidence. and I left them 5 cents‘ worth .
of glucose and brealblessjnticipalion.
When I got back to camp I :lnds.Pod
-playing solitaire. .. ">' A - V "
"'Whcrc‘s the son ofllsm?‘ snys.l.
"‘Oh.' says Pod. 'l us: he heard a
voice cryin' in the wilderness snd beat
it. What sayeth the bur-y.Deborsh'!‘
" o ’ c t adnm Melbrty
knocked down to the Supernnuuted old
Maid‘: Ilnionvlor two bucks, cash in
hand. After the funeral '
"W use tuners?!‘ s.sksvPo
Season’: liioststartl
Thin helnlifhl high [I161 In
Brlculri Iphainlaino Pin
ing Watch Oiler.
din‘ Iulall Dirt. 10 yvll
Inn! Orrur-rlrl (Ill Univ?
.JEi'iELi'i.ATGl-l 58%’
named. nwn Jewvl man.
a. ..
Joined "N 3.’ "‘li’a'-.'.‘l'."' % ""'..".’3
, , "’.'l‘rade.' says . ‘MS, -u . .. '.':'.:..“"s.".:
rnorticians. It hss croakcd, expired and b';;;-;"-3'-<I--5,!‘ .1-'5“-.-.‘.:;.::‘.;
.:....: '“"",...,, ""‘“' mu”,
(Continued on Page 1;)