. 2 ,
Balancing Up the Ledger.‘
WE ARE not ‘quite sure whether the: '
I , ‘ ‘ '
air Ludye on the cover 'is n ‘slack
rope ‘walker and treading those tangled
lantern strings. with that one daintye
her all evening is saying. "Good Heaven!
So it's only Flossie." .
There are Deopla who are always mak-
ing mistakes like that.
new acquaintance without mung-
you know. who remarked to a late ur-
“I don‘t know what's the matter with
that little man over there. lie was so
attentive a few moments ago. and now
Jie won't even look 2. "'
Whercupon the late
casually. ’ ‘ r
"Perhaps he saw me come in.
husband." ‘ . ’ .
me. > 7 >
0U‘V'E'e.lso heard‘the one (meaning
that we hope you haven't,'but we‘re
afraid you read it on our own joke page)
--the one about Lilynn and Janyce who
met on the street and when Lilyan bee
gan. "Dear. I want to ask if you'll
my brldt-smai "
Janyce said, Yes. but don't let's stop
here to talk, for that-silly Robert Graham
is lumbering toward us. grinning like
an idiot, and I don't want lobe seen
talking to hlm.". ‘. .
‘ an's tone was .not so honeyed as
she replied: "He's my fiance.“
‘j T MUST be fun to assume the identity
of somebody else. But perhaps when
‘as much depends upon it its hung upon
Doctor [laiiam's venture the fun would
become grim danger. Doctor Hallam?
he is the debonair chap with per-
sonality and a beard who steps as tall as
life from he pages of Peter Cotton‘:
new seria. "ihin Ice." liailam skated
so far that the ice was creaking and
cracking at every turn: will not
dare to miss a.single installment of this
lascinaling story for the ' ce grows
thinner and thinner and you are going
to wonder mighty hard whether or not
he falls in.
l . ‘
IAND if you have becn following the
,‘ humor series you admit that “The
‘Ghost ‘Vhb Came Back Pa 5) is
.one of the funniest if not the very fun-
niest of all. We mentioned before that
Howard Dwight Smiley is in London
- iakini: a vacation and it was from there
that he sent us this rattling yarn about
‘the man who committed suicide once too
often. In the letter that.accornpanied
.the manuscript he becomes. hit chatt)‘-
authors often do. An incident he told
seemed to indicate ‘that rents there as
high as ere. Billy 11
iron molder who was on strike and
could not pay his rent. So. on the rent
day. Dilly went out of the way of the
landlord and left Mrs. Billy to face the
music. Returning home that night. he
said to his w'
(Ni landlord?“ . t g
“Oh. Billy she cried, in rt-9 rri
-"whaat does tha"lhink7 Th‘
giv' us I ' hoose for our ver
"W aat!“ roared Billy. '
accept it?‘ -
“Sutteniy." said Polly.
"Well, tha' fool!" cried Billy.’
ha‘ to pay th' rent noo.“‘ V
F‘ VICTOR ROUSSEAU wouldn't mind
how did the’ goo on4vit‘
nd' did ya
Slaves." we might tell you of what that
picture (on page 7) reminds us, Oh
well. here goes: there was an American
traveler being entertained at a Chinese
peared.undet' the table to make him feel
that it was the fashion.
At dinner: in Japan (formal dinners,
by the way). the guests are presented
with any meat they have failed to eat.
wever great or small the portion they
meat. sir, till after the showrf
their.-so the idea must annoy old man
IL C. L.
All the world does not love 2. crook;
lug all lhe world likes to read about
other people getting crooked. so we
are warn! you not 0 In “Jones
Keeps Faith With the Male." on page 12.
just beneath the art head where a. gi
with 8 saucy pug nose is reaching across
box the artist
iravaga n 1
.You‘lI enjoy it. ‘ ."
9 months so cents. in ad
neglsiereu L: r. Postoifl
address (Bl) on Y0i.lr
single comes. 6 com
Po Display. moo each Agate Line; for
Circulation of the Chicago Lediter and
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8:0’. . '
O,’ ntered aavserond-class matter June 2:.‘ ins. at the postufllce at Chicago,‘ Illinois. under
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. - , , x r
The Editor Gets‘Anothef-Interview!
. ROBABLY the most solemn man the
Editor of the Ledger has ever had
the opportunity‘ of knowing,
Professor Rudolph Adolph Titrnacher.
Professor ”Titznacher has never een
known to smile. Ila has almost as much
ability to see the point of a joke as tho
he were born in Englandginstead of
Berlin. He is a lean cadaverifus man,
with long black hair that fails in flow-
ing locks to his old-fashioned hatwing
collar. and his deep set watery blue eyes
‘are framed in enormous hornsheil gog<
gies,-suspended on the end of 2 long.
lean. searching analytical nose by a.
black silk cord.", It was said that the
professor once noting that his eye-glass
cord wasbeconiing worn. purchased.
while passing thru Marshall Field's great
store in Chicago. 3 new from a
nearby counter. it proved to he a card
used by ladies of marked emhonpoint
to constrain the two portions of a. cer-
tain rigid encasement encompassing
superiluousabdominal flesh. Th pp
fessor was the object of smiles galore
in his classes next day. ‘Whether this ‘
ancedote about him be true or not. the
Editor does not know. '
‘Professor Tltmacher’s intellectual at-
tainmentsrura no aids‘ the
worlds championship for the time necw
essary to make a move on the chess
board. having studied thru l'.toucicoult's
Theorem. and having even antedated
Einstein's.Theory of Relativity over a
period of three years, in order to make
his twentieth move in his famous game
with Professor Schwelnmauer. “'hen he
had finally calculated his move. and
is-ended wayito Professor Schweitz-
mauer's, that latter gentleman ad been
dead for something over a year and a
aghast at this catastrophe. as he had
worked out his equations solely upon
willed the game his assistant. llerr
Assistant Professor Dinkeibaum.madeit
lute theyaiues (x plusi) for the previous
values of (V). This required another
four months, and in the meantime Pro-
fessor Dinkelbaum died. '
Thus t was t after seeing "The
LadY in the Pink'Nightie" at 8 l
Chicago theater last week.
feeling the n e
look upon life. caliedr upon Professor
rooms. Professor Tit-
macher was ensconsed in a huge leather
c air. srnojcing great calahash pipe.
An embroi ered. smoking Jacket. Inside
his torso. lie was peering
covered book thru his
‘$533f'ES. and his study table
was covered with copious holes.
nor what literary work
A "I am studying.“ Wald Professor Tit-
macher ponderously, with pronounced
German accent. "a. book of poems, which,
by the publishers datellne. I see has
been only recently released. or some
unaccountable reason. it has been issued
“What is the titie'."f inquired the Ed-
The professor stluinled at the title of
gaudy book. The ti 3 s a mistaken
Members of the fowl family are-
addressed .by the name of
The Editor looked curious.
"Mother Goose," announced
The Editor breathed R sigh. The myn- 7
the Professor didlictically.
in n sonorous voice:
Oirl Mother llubbarii went to in.‘ cup-
- Joard .
lie read off
get her Doorldoz a bone.
But when she got’ there.
-V The cupboardtwss bare.
And so her poor dog got none.‘
He looked up. "Theputrirnent in
bone is so slight that but few calories
and carbohydrates could he obtained by
this canine tor the prolongation of its
existence from’ an ingestion of the
broken contents of said bone. Eithervliirs.
‘Hubbard had not read Professor Von
Engdahrs treatise upon scientinc feed-
ing of dogs. cats and young infants, or
eise, as shown by the fact that’she pro-
ceeded straight to the cupboard without
having remembered the quite destitutev
condition of this receptacle, possessed a
and snorted derisively. .
“linnd here," he‘continued. “the fol-
lowing poem. t me read it to you.”
He read. in rollingstonesz .
fr ',lliclmry. Dickory, Dock.
Th mouserizn upithe clock.
'The clock struc ' no. .
And GOWH he run. ’
Hickory. Dickory. Dock.
lie looked up. "I find -upon 3 close
examination of the encyclopedia that.
known as the dtckory.
ganic trloiosy used by the writer is quite
defective. The seqneruv pf'the ideas is
even equally at fault‘ e ex-
pects. naturally. some-little nature poem.
one steps at once into the animal king.
dam among the rodents. W I have
made seven extensive experiments down
in my cellar. using three different clocks,
9. Big,Ben alarm clock, a granllfatl-ier‘s
clock. and 8. Swiss cuckoo clock, each
provided with a. piece of cheese on the
top. In neither case was the mouse 1
selected able to propel
of the timepiece. the coefficient of friction
being too great in each and every case.
The psychology of the mouse. however.
is splendid. Particularly in his abrupt
departure after hearing the unexpected
intonation of the clock striking the first
hour after noondsy. in all. however.
the poem is misleading." . '
e turned over the leaves of the book.
warming up to'his'sub.iect.
"Now WE find the foilowln
Simple Simon met a piemrn,
Coming from the fair;
Said Simple Simon to the
t us taste your ware.
“Now.” said Professor Titmacher. "we
and again good psychology in this moron
accosting the purveyor of pies and ask.
ing to be allowed to sample them in a
gustatory sense. But facts, as we know
thrm today. are-at fault. Such is moron
would have had the Binet-Simon tests
for mentality app'ied to him. an would
be under the Epecializnd instruction suth
as Profesor Gartherpiatz is introducing
in the State institutions. instead of wana
dering around to public gatherings. a,
menace and a. nuisance. I doubt..f00.“
lie added. ':whether the sale of pies has
not reached such H sta e in our present
condition of civilization that the hand.
y rnorr. eihr-lent methods
than one man delivering and carrying
these toothsome delicacies."
"I admire your close examination
this literary work." said the Edam.-
"I thank you," said tile prol'esso'
warmly. filling up his pioe. H9 turner;
again to the book. “Now. will you
listen to this:" ’
Little Miss lilorlett sat on a'tufIet.
Eating of curds and whey
When along came I spider
own beside h r.
And frightentd Miss Moffet away.
"Here we have-some indications of a
misguided ‘parent rearing 9. child nionr:
the now discarded theories of Professor
Memhnikoif. and his fermented mill;
bacillus The author of this book was.
far behind in his knowledge or pregenf
t, i. . .,
I and sat
.1 paused there at his side to say.
! not only question the act of
the spider sitting down ,beside
Monet’: unwarranted fears.
never bites except when attacked. and
['1' Miss Maffet is
defective - train-
causes death.’ o .
the result ofabsolutel
lng of young people’:
"Did.Yyou> come upon poem about
an-er-Humpty Dumpty?" queried the
Editor. -: V ' ', ‘ '
"That did I." answered the professor
wrathfully. ,‘ "Here it is." ‘He rea.d:“
'Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall. .
‘Humpty Dumpty had a great fall, ,
, All the king’s‘horses and all the
‘ , klrig‘s men. I
Couldn't put Humpty Dumpty to-
‘ ‘ g then again. .
"The very idea. of substituting equines
for proper surgical treatment to this
man who lost his equilibrium was atror
cious," snapped the professor, “and the
perpetrators should be punished to the
fullest extent of the’1aw. There is no
doubt'that the poem is a yelled narra-
tion of this horrible happening. Written’
so that the public might know the facts
which are being covered up. I shall in-
stitute‘ legal ‘proceedings tomorrow to
compel the publishers to announce the
name of this anonymous author, and
him in turn to announce the true name
of the victim. here set down as Humpty '
Dumpty. -and if I have to - lose three
months.on my new work. "rho ivhyness
of the Wherefore.’ I shall secure for
Humpty Dumpty's heirs pecuniary com-
Densatlon. It is a damnahle outrage." -'
The professor closed the book with a
bang. He smoked in silence. His face
was the picture of wrat . e e '
rose quietly and taking hlsghat, bowed
himself out into the night He did not
have the heart to enlighten Professor
Titmacher. The Vi‘otessor‘a heart is in
the right place. and‘it is to be hoped
hat the attorney whom the professor
consults informs him that Humpty
Dumpty is no more. - I .
f Rirnes of the Timesifv.
nr 1. 1. SIR. '
I met a stranger yesterday.
Who looked so sad and low.
"What makes those great tears flow?”
Ths mourner brushed the drops away,
And said. “If you must know:
“Life used to be a. thing of joy.
My heart was gay and ltght.
No cares or worries could annoy. - .
The days were glad and bright: '
But now I have renounced this life
I seek a hermit hut,
There to forget the dear old knife- '
' FOR PIE IS FIFTEEN CENTS A CUT!’
His chin he sunk upon his chest.
And rolled his weeping eyes. ‘
9 Easiletd and writhed and sobbed the
'VVlth intersperaihg sighs.
He told the tale at my behest
With incoherent cries:
‘'1 Used to frequent counters where
The lunch was made of food. - ‘ .
Butter was seldom. Bleak wgg rare.
And ‘wheat cakes could be chewed:
The eggs were only one year old.
The rolls were well-bred. but
saw a sign of portent c ‘K
ALI: PIE XS FIFTEEN CENTS A CUT!
'l have renounced dessert." he frowned-e
Ah. gustatory treat‘
Farewell. yo crus
rowned,' ' .
Farewell, ye iilllng. sweet.
Ah. pastry. pastry all around
But not a bite to eat!
"all crimped and
"“'h3‘ Cafe 1. pray: for rich parfait,
For pudding. short-cake. muinns, '
mam mange or mousse or charlotte
Those proiiteerlnz rumans
Have robbed me of my love.
The gates of Heaven shut
,Behind me. may I see-
no a gnu
ALL PIE IS FIFTEEN CENTS A CUT!"
Recognizes Herself. ‘ ‘
I 1,113 agent for the Useless Dlngus he
’ was selling was a smart man. ‘ He
ran: the doorbell and a maid opened
Good morning.“ smiled the ugent. "1
am "Yin: to find almnrried lady whuss
name cent remember lust now..
think this is her home. Sh )3 a
lovely eyes andran ideal rlgure.
thought " '
"Mary!" in vuire from the top
of the stairs. "tell the gentleman I will
be right down!“ ‘ ' ' , n‘