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"318 | FRANK LESLIE'S’ NEW YORK JOURNAL.
Facetia.
A racetiovs boy asked one of his playmates,
” “Why a hardware dealer was like a bootmaker?”
The latter, somewhat puzzled, gave it up. “ Why.”
sald the other, “ the one sold the nails, and the other
nailed the soles!’ , .
Emparrassuent.—A gentleman meeting one of
his friends who was insolvent, expressed great con-
cern for his embarrassment. ‘You are mistaken,
my dear sir,” was the reply, “it is not I—it is my
creditors who ate embarrassed.”
Proner Disutesat.—" The fire is going out, Miss
Filkins.” “I know it, Mr. Green; and if you
would act wisely, you would follow its example.”
It is quite unnecessary to add, that Green never
“axed to set up” with that girl again, ten
Wuen 4 Man 18 Wovunp, Ur.—An old author
quaintly remarks: Avoid arguments with ladies.
In spinning yarn among silks and satins, a man is
sure to be worsted and twisted. And when a man
is worsted and twisted, he may consider himself
wound up.
- Romance ano Matrimony.—It is extraordinary
how dreadfully unromantic a little dose of matrimony
makes people. When girls get married they are
obliged incontinently to substitute mutton for moon-
light, shirt buttons for stars and bowers, dumplings
and darning for drooping lashes and dewy smiles,
potatoes and pickling for plays, beef and brooms
for blushes and bird cages, feather-brushes and
wash-tabs for flirting, _ oo ~ .
Coot, ir Nor Comrortaste.—On one occasion,
when Lord Metcalfe was sitting after dinner with
his secretary in Jamaica, a shock of an earthquake
was felt, so severe as to throw down the decanters
on the table. Amidst the general alarm created by
this convulsion of nature, Metcalfe remained un-
moved. ‘ My good fellow,” he said, calmly, to his
secretary, with the placid smile, which was seldom
absent, still upon his face, “ don’t be alarmed, it is
only an earthquake !” .
. A Cutnaman’s Notion or Qurten Vicrorta AnD
Petticoat Government.—Ki-Chan, thé commis-
sioner who concluded the peace with England in
1840, for which he was afterwards disgraced, thus
spoke of her Majesty and Prince Albert to the French
missionaries, MM. Hue and Gabet, on falling in
with them in Thibet, during his embassy there: “ It
appears,” said. he, **that this. woman has great
abilities, but her husband, in my opinion, plays a
very ridiculous part ; she does not let him meddle
with anything. She laid out fur him a magnificent
garden full of fruit trees and flowers of all sorts, and
there he is always shut up, passing his time walking
about.”
Ocurar Demonstration.—At the period to which
I have been previously alluding, a very celebrated
dissenting preacher, by the name of Robinson, was
officiating at the chapel ia St. Andrew’s street. My
friend Musgrave sometimes went to hear him, and
used to relate tome many anecdotes connected with
him. I will insert the following: Upon one occa-
sion, when he was preaching, he dropped the imme-
diate subject of his discourse, and. made this obser-
vation: “It is arule with me never to use an ex-
pression which the humblest of my hearers cannot
understand. I have just made tise of the term ‘oc-
ular demonstration :’ I will explain it to you. I
look into the table pew, and I see a young man, in
a blue coat and scarlet waistcoat, fast asleep.” On
pronouncing the last two words he raised his voice
considerably, and all eyes being attracted to the un
fortunate sleeper, he added, in a lower tone, « Of
that I have ocular demonstration.” He: then re-
sumed his discourse in his accustomed manner,
A -Davoenter ov Eve.— Why, | Sarah,” re-
marked a schoolmaster to a young girl who had
failed to give a satisfactory answer toa question in
arithmetic, ‘‘ when I was of your age I could an-
swer any question in arithmetic that was asked me.”
“ T you please, sir, I can give youa question I don’t
think you can answer.” ' What is it, Sarah?”
“Why, suppose one apple caused'the ruin of the
whole human race, how many such apples would it
take to make a barrel of cider?” Schoolmaster
fainted... « i “ L0
. Taz Croax or Rexicion.—It' is to be known
sometimes by the fine nap it has during sermon-
time. .
Roiys.—You never saw a ruin without ivy—you
never saw a ruined man but he had a lawyer cling-
ing round him. :
Tux only weed aman likes to see in his garden
is a good cigar, when it happens to be in his own
mouth. ‘
A wrITER On swearing says that an oath from a
woman is unnatural and discreditable, and he would
as soon expect a bullet from a rosebud.
THE FLEETS FAREWELL TO THR BALTIC.
For the winter we quit, to return with the swallow,
And then—heaven only knows what is to follow !
Lawxs 4 Mercy.—The name of the British chap-
lain still resident at St. Petersburg is the Reverend
wi! His name is naturally enough in the
mouth of such of his fellow-countrymen as are
obliged to remain in Russia, when they hear unfa-
vorable news through the Russian press, and as
plenty of it is fabricated, the reverend gentleman,
under the denomination of O. Law! is wanted pretty
frequently. .
Cuoose tHe Least.—Mentschikof : Now mind,
tall I have to say is this: if you allow Sebastopol to
be taken, some of you will have to take the news to
the Emperor. : i
« know a man who is so lavish in giving away,
that he can’t even keep his word. ©
Verear Derinition or A TEETOTALLER-A
drunkard convinced against his (s) will.” -
Nicutineares ron tux East.—The English have
sent some dear nightingales to nurse their sick
soldiers. Punch would not much wonder if some of
the nightingales, in due time, became ringdoves.
Win it any Wear 11.—It is stated that a soldier
of the Rifle Brigade picked off thirty-three Russians
at the battle of Alma. Considering the position
which this gallant fellow’s skill and proficiency has
acquired for him in his profession, he may fairly be
called a “ shooting star!”
A Provers ILiustraTep.—Idleness, they say,
‘clothes a man with rags.” By this we see that
idleness is not only in itselfan unprofitable practice,
but that the effects of it give us a “ bad habit.”
Simery a Dirrerent Way or Tuinxinc.—The
allies certainly cannot be accused of avarice; be-
cause, when Mentschikoff came forward and offered
them a check on the banks of the Alma, they not
only declined to accept it, but presented hint with a
larger amount of metallic currency'than he very
well knew what to do with; seeing, however, 80
much of it, he thought it a pity it should go to
waste, and therefore determined to make a bolt of it.
Very Goon or tue Docror.—Dr. Johnson’s ear
in respect of the power of appreciating musical
sounds was remarkably defective; nevertheless he
possessed a sense of harmonic composition that gave
him ‘an unconquerable distaste to ‘all unmeaning
flourish and rapidity of execution. Being one night
at a concert, where an elaborate and florid concerto
on the violin was performed, after it was over, he
asked a gentleman who sat near him what it meant.
The question somewhat puzzled the amateur, who
could only say that it was very difficult. “ Diffi-
cult !? answered the learned auditor; “I wish it
had been impossible !”
Sive Ir.—On board of a Nantucket whale-ship,
which was cruising several years since on the Paci-
fic, there was a character whose humors, actions,
and remarks were the pastime of the entire ship’s
company. He was somewhat of a poet withal, and
was besides afllicted with an impediment in his
speech. This, however, only had the tendency to
make him the more amusing. - One day, while the
ship was running along betore a five-knut breeze,
the cook fell overboard. Our stuttering friend
noticed the accident, and, in great trepidation,|.
tushed to the cabin companion-way, and thrust
down his head, to give the information to the cap-
tain. “* Ca-Ca-Cap'n-Cap’n,” said he, with all sorts
of, contortions of face, “ te-te-te-dce-de-ph-ph-th-
th!’ but in his hurry he couldn’t articulate a single
word to save his life.» ‘ Well,” roared the captain,
“if you can’t say it, sing it, you fool.” * Be-be-
e-be :
—Overboard is Barnabus,
And half a mile astern of us !”
at last shouted he, and capered round the deck like
a madman, to the nosmall amusement ot the sailors,
notwithstanding they felt that a man was overbvard,
struggling for his life. -
: A GLANCE TOWARDS EARTH.
Dear girl, don’t carry your head so high,
Your sweet lip provokingly mocking,
The fire of pride lighting up your eye,
With that big hole in your stocking,
Goop.—If your means suit not your ends, pursue
those ends which suit with your means.
American Law.—An editor, away -down east,
who served four days on a jury, says he is so full of
law that it is hard work for him to keep from cheat-
ing somebody. ’
Everysopy has heard of the famous echo of the
Trishman, which, when interrogated, “How d’yedo?”
would answer, ‘¢ Pretty well, | thank you:’ but we
know of areal echo, which, if you ask it, * What
remedy is there for the evils under which we labor!”
invariably answers, * Labor!”
Tire Inte Lady Blessington, who should have been
well informed on the subject, observed that no
woman who was formed to exeite general admira+
tion was capable of conferring individual happiness.
We Pavsz ror a Reruy.—Why can’t a man
speak of Shakspeare without alluding to him as the
“Bard of Avon,” or ‘Immortal Will?” How is it
that you can’t take a young lady's album (supposing
such a happily exploded nuisance extant), without
her being down on you for an " Acrostic ” or an
“Impromptu?” -Why do amateur yachtmen think
it “the thing’ to whistle abstracted!y, and gate
idiotically in “the wind’s eva?’ ~~ Why can't a
young lady sit down to the piano without an addi-
tional accompaniment to her song in the shape of
“such a dreadful cold?” . How is‘it that young
ladies of florid complexion incline to pink bonnets?
and again, those of unusual paleness affect those of
cerulean tint? Why can’t a man lend his counte-
nance to the moustache movement without ascribing
to his * airy nothing” sanitary virtues? How is it
that young ladies can’t retire to rest without search-
ing under their “‘ four-posters” for imaginary
housebreakers? How is it that musical geniuses
can’t refrain from playing imaginary pianos, at dull
intervals, at crowded dinner parties | Why can’t
young ladies abstain from kissing babies frantically
before strangers?. Why can't a man visit Paris
without returning with a supernatural tooth brush,
in the guise of a moustache? How does it happen
that whenever you chance to stop out late, upon
your retiring a8 quietly as possible, every door
creaks ten times ag much as usual, and the stairs go
off like parks of artillery? . veh
Tue newly-appointed president of the Society for
Advance of the Art is Professor Kiss! We suppose
there is some art in.a kiss if properly managed,
therefore young ladies should embrace the opportu-
tunity of sitting to the eminent sculptor of the
Amazon, ce . .
A Camp Joxz.—It is humorously said that there
ought to be plenty of women in the camp, for
cach might the Russians come out’ with ‘a fresh
“Sally.3 : !
Two Sorts or Pottce.—The Detective and the
Defective. . ' -
~ A Russian Cross.—Nicholas, in’ his manifesto,
says ‘‘the Cross in our hearts.” ‘If it is for bayonet-
ing our wounded soldiers, we are glad of it, since
it may be intended as a sign of repentance, or as a
confession of guilt—for we know it is the custom
abroad to eréct a Cross wherever a murder has been
committed. .
Wowan It Is.—A work has been recently adver-
tised under the title of Woman: in Eight Chaps.
We should like to know whether the author includes
Old women in Cathedral chapters among the subjects
of his book. We are afraid that enough is not made
of the material—for women is suggestive to our minds
of a much larger variety than can be comprehended
within ordinary limits, and it seems really unwar-
rantable to reduce Woman to such a very mean’ al-
lowance as Eight Chaps. | Surcly we have seen
Woman under at least twenty different’ heads—or
under twenty different bonnets, which is much the
same thing—during the last few years. a
Crosz ApPproximaTIoN.—Mrs. Partington, on being
asked respecting a pair of twins with which she was
said to have been recently blessed, replied, that if
such was the fact, it needn't be wondered at—for she
belonged to a very growing family; and though none
of ’em had had twins, yet several of 'em had come
within one of it. tt -
His Native Evement.—A milkman, serving a cus-
tomer, surprised him by emptying a frog into the
basin. “ What’s this you're giving me?’ exclaimed
the favoured individual. The unsucky vender pro-
tested that the frog was not put in the can by him.
“Then,” was the bitter reply; “if he jumped in him-
self, he must have mistaken it for a pond!” “rf
__ Punrir Posrscript.--A negro minister was clos:
ing his prayer, when some white boys in the corner
had the ill manners to laugh—so that the sable sup-
pliant heard them. He had said but a moment before,
and very earnestly: Bress all dat is human,” when
the laugh occurred; and commencing again just before
the Amen, the pious old negro said: O Lord we are
not in'the habit of adding postscripts to our prayer,
but ifthe ’spression ‘Bress all dat is human,’ won't
take in dese wicked white fellers, den we pray dat de
Lord will bress some dat ain't human, also besides.”
Tue Perrectron or Love.—Mrs. S-—., on receiv-
ing news reverse to her expectations from her hus-
band, gave him a smack in the face.’ He calmly said!
“ Betsy, have you no fear at all !’* when she prompt-
ly replied : “Perfect love casteth out fear!” ‘
Wuen is the weather most hke a crockery shop?
When it’s muggy. © > +’ : EE ae ett
5