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HAPPY DAYS
[This story commenced in No. 269.]
Tony the Torment at Home;
on,
WAKING THEM UP AGAIN.
By TOM TEASER,
Author of “Tom Turnip’s Troubles,” “Tony the Torment,” “Tony the Torment at School,”
“Muldoon in Search of a Cousin,” etc., etc, ‘
“1, PART x.
The Widow Sours got” out of the snow
bank as best she might, while all those un-
gallant hayseeds stood and laughed at her. |
Bet ‘ya scared the hoss and made him
upset you.”
. vues you got that old bach all rattled
and he didn’t know what he was a-doin’?”
“Reckon he must ha’ been rattled, any-
how, to ask yu aout ridin’ with him,
“And a slim collection in consequence,”
remarked Tony, more to himself than to
any one else. oo
It was still winter and there was plenty
of snow on the ground, but the sidewalks in
town were all cleared and the crossings
were good.
These details may seem . irrelevant, but
just wait.
Tony took in what was said about the
“LOOK OUT FOR A GOAL, YOU DUFFERS!” YELLED THE JUDGE.
TENDED THE BALL TO CAROM AGAINST THE HEAD OF
e widow wallowed out of the snow
drift and then she told those funny fellows
“what she thought o:
She called them routers and hoodoos and
silverites and Filipinos and everything else
she could think o!
They only laughed the more and then
she went off mad.
nm Tony returned, after his sleigh
ride, it was in his own rig and no one tum-
For days the folks in town talked about
how Foggs had dumped old lady Sours in
a snowban:
They laughed at Pogss about it and
would not take his deni
e first time the widow met him on the
street she banged his hat over his eyes with
her umbrella and remarked:
“You will propose to me and then throw
Me in the snow?
“What, madam, propose, madam? | Not
on your Tite! I wouldn’t marry any w
but you'd be the last one I’d have anything
to do with.”
“Oh, you villain, and after the sweet
words you said. I’ve a mind to sue you
for breach of promise, you padded old
wretch, bit I wouldn’t have you if you
was as rich as the ten richest men in the
world.”
“Then I’m safe,” said Foggs, “for I be
lieve you’d marry the old seratch if you
made »P your mind to i
“Oh, you brute!” shrieked Sours, and the
old tellow had | ie. retreat to escape a crack
with the umb:
Just about. the “time the town got over
laughing at the widow and the old bachelor
pony gave them something else to amuse
This time the joke was on the parson.
One Sui
ey did not want it generally known, for
fear that there would be a slim attendance.
“anal
parson not being able to preach that morn-
ing.
He also took mental notes of the fact
that the congregation generally would not
hear of his absence until they were seated
in church.
Putting these things together, he resolved
to have some fun at the expense of the s0-
ber- minded residents of Slowcome.
He the parson’s make-up down fine,
as he had more than once impersonated the
reverend gentlem:
He also had white chokers, a black frock
coat and all the necessary appurtenances
wherewith 3 any, out the par’
Nobody asked him if he was going to
church that morning, for he usually went
and he was quite old enough to stay at
home if he des!
In fact he Tntended to go, but he meant to
do something
Skipping up to ts room he made him-
self up like the parson, as to head and face,
but a altogether so as regarded dress.
e black coat and the white
tie ail right, bie after that there was a dif-
erence.
le wore very loud knickerbockers, much
louder stockings and a cap that fairly
shrieked, it was so lou
Then he wore heavy russet shoes, which
are used by wheelmen or men off on a
tramp.
You may think that there was something
incongruous about the dress, when a parson
was going to be represented, and so there
was, :
However, there was some reason for this
and you will catch on as you read along.
The first rung for church and
the last one was beginning to sound when
the good people on their way to meeting
were greatly shocked by what they saw.
Along the clean, level walks there came
a man on a Dike, ringing his bell to warn
pedestrians to get out of his way.
The sidewalk was really the only place
where he could ride and there would not
ALYT THAT A BEAUT?”
have | been oe much objection to that at any
other tim:
Slowcome’ 's streets were never so crowded
that there wasn't room for a man on a bike
on the walks.
It was Sunday, however, and even in sum-
mer, when bikes most do congregate, wheel-
men eschewed Slowcome as they would
avoid a path strewn wi, broken bottles.
Not one of the local bikers dared to
mount his wheel ona Sunday and strangers
gave the town a wide
If you didn't see one, ea a Sunday in
er, how much stranger must be the
Sight of one in the winter!
“Tingaling-tingalin, ting-ting-ting,”
sounded the insistent, saucy little bell on
the
Swell, I declare, if there isn’t a man
riding a bisickle on a
I just ain’t going to tue “out for him.
He's no business to get on the sidewalk,
Why doesn’t he take the road?”
eason was manifest, but it was
Sours who asked the question.
All the same, she did get out of the way
of the coming m:
pasa” as he
assed, she
Tet, out a yell.
'Y, par-
son!”
“Shut u
you old hen,”
said the man
on the bike.
never!” gasp-
ed the judge,
as he took the
inside of the
If HE Wap IN-
BILL PORTER AND BOUNCE OFF
UPON SPLODGERS, IT CERTAINLY WAs,
need more er exercise to stir your iver up.”
“Why, pi
“Ah, 50 | soak your head!” and the bogus
parson re
“Well,
to be spok
“Perhaps thats what he calls progress-
ve we religion, but I think it’s just scan-
dalo
“Tr “won't go to his church any more, I'll
tell you that:”
“The idea of his breaking ihe Sabbath
like that! Why, it’s simply
The imitation parson on his iced and
dressed in misfits met some. more of his
parishioners.
He rode down three or four of them and
made them hustle.
One or two had to take to the drifts and
one Squeezed himself flat against a fence.
“Get out of the way, ron chumps! Can’t
you see 2 *ellow coming
saleavens and airti
“ nt to know if it ain't Mr. White!”
“ae el, of all thin.
the rider carne upon several per
cons ‘going the same way he was.
He sounded his bell shrilly and scattered
them in a jiffy.
Then he turned so that they could see
who he was and gave them fits for being in
his way.
While they were gasping their astonish-
ment, he went scorching ahead, ringing his
bell like mad.
As the bells were ringing for the final
time he appeared on the street again near
his own church.
“Why, of all things!” said Dr. vompkins,
who was deceived like all the othe:
“Hello, doc, going in to hear that 6 old guy
preach
“Tut, parson, I thought-—”
“Didn't suppose you ever did. Why don’t
you ride a wheel?”
“And wear clothes like yours? Never!”
“Oh, you’re an old fogy,” and the pre
‘ode on.
T a. think that Mr. White ought
-| to a man born a
tended parson rode on and disappeared
around the first corner.
my was in church that morning; | but he
had ‘fo hustle to get there in any
He had given folks something “to neallk
about and after the service they improved
the opportunity,
“No wonder he didn’t preach when he
was out bisickle riding, dressed like a mon-
key on a hand organ!”
“And him sending word he was sick and
the ’sembly and Jook into it, that’s all,
Brother Haddock.”
“H'm, yes, guess we shell.”
At nearly every dinner table in town that
day the parson’s extraordinary conduct was
talked over and commented upon,
Some laughed, but more were shocked
and Wanted to know what things were com-
ng
After dinner the doctor was sent for to
go and see the parson.
Dr. Tompkins found the latter not feel-
ing very well.
“Your medicine does not quite take hold,
doctor. I think you'll have to try some
thing stronger.”
m not so surprised,” sald the doctor,
severe
"No?" ‘said the Parson, inquirin gly.
“No. I should har expect ie would
after riding a bicycle on a winter
“Medicine riding a bicycle?
heard of Such a thing.’
“No, nor I, but I didn't say that.
ferred to. your riding.’
“But I was never on a Dicycle in all my
? hever
Ire
life.”
“You
ficiency for a no
“But I tell you I can’t
certainly show remarkable Pro-
t ri
ps and wearing that very remarkable cos-
oUAVhat remarkable costume?”
“Black coat, extraordinary knee breeches,
marvellous stocking and indescribable cap.
You certainly looked a sight, my dear sir.
Were you out of your head ¢ or what?’
never wore such clothes as you
describe, not even at college when a young
man will do very nearly everything.
“But I si
Aha! That was supposed to be a settler.
It wasn't.
“You may think you did,” said the par-
son, “for I would not venture to question
your veracity in the least, my dear doctor,
but that you see me, when I have not
left the house for twenty-four hours, I most
certainly and positively deny.”
“Do you mean to tell me that my eyes
are not to be petieved? Perhaps you call
this a joke. not appreciate jokes of
any kind and particularly jokes of this
sort.”
“T think it js you who are joking, doc-
Tr.”
“I make a joke? Never! I wouldn’t be
guilty of it, Besides, I couldn't if I tried.”
“But you certainly are joking when you
say you saw me Tiding a bicycle this morn-
“But T tell you, I saw you and stopped
and talked to y
“ I tell. ‘you that you are saying
what is not true and it is very evident that
my sermons on the sinfulness of falsehoods
have not had the effect they were intended
to havi 5
he ootor never could see the funny
side not thin
he parson “had not meant to infer what
the octer did infer, eithe:
‘he! ose sermons were aimed at me,
were they? Thank you very much. This
is the first time I have ie been accused
of being a liar in all my lif
His was not the affected ‘dignity of the
pompous old fraud, Judge Wheeler, but. the:
natural dignity of a man wl ever 8a’
and never made a joke in, all his lite and
couldn’t if he tried.
It was the real old school dignity natural ~
hundred years behind his
time and he couldn’t help it any more than
he could stop breathing and live.
“I think you would better employ another
physician, sir,” he said, rising, “although I
am perfectly willing to consult with him
while you are in a critical condition.”
“But, doctor, there is not another phy-
sician in town whom I would trust. Be-
sides, I did not mean to say that those
sermons were aimed at you in particular.”
“It will be best not to agitate Sourselt it
you wish me to continue in the case,” said
the doctor, his natural Kindne SS of heart
getting the best of his tempe:
Nothing more was said of the bicycle rid-
ing ead the parson got better.
he next day, however, deacons, clerks,
parishioners and the deuce knows who got
at him on the subject.
At first he was inclined to regard the af-
fair as a joke.
Then he got mad, or as mad as a clergy-
man is allowed to get, and told his critics
that they were a lot of idiots to believe such
bbis!
He snubbed the judge and told him it
was a wonder that a man of such apparent.
learning should be taken in by such idle
tales.
“But I saw you!” said the judge.
Vice.’
tI de,’
“Well, I should hope that 3 you_won't do
so any more, especially on a Svy,:ay morn-